Friendships are really hard for me, but because they don't take over my thoughts, I'm sorry, but I barely think of you. That sounds harsh but it's true. Other people rarely enter my thoughts unless they are smack bang in front of me all of the time. I know it probably sounds really selfish, and maybe it is, but I really struggle with keeping in touch with people.
Facebook and other social media sites seem to make this harder for me, I should be able to keep in touch with you right? I'm on the computer all of the time, why can't I just send you a message? Why can't I just reply to your lovely chatty message? Because what if I say the wrong thing? What if I say something that makes you hate me? I have no idea how you are reacting to what I'm saying because you can type anything in response. I have a hard enough time gauging people's emotions when they are stood in front of me, without having to try and guess over a screen.
Oh, I really like emojis, they have made online and text conversations much easier for me. I can show you what my face is doing! Please show me what your face is doing?
Sometimes, I just don't want to reply to you, I just don't want to talk to you. Some days I don't want to talk to anybody at all. I know that's hard to understand for a lot of people, but I really would love to be your friend, but I can't be your friend 100% of the time. I'm going to cancel plans at the last minute, I hate doing it, but sometimes it's too much. I can't do things spontaneously, but I really like being asked. My constant stream of no's and 'I can't' are too much for most people and my friendships fade out after a while. This does make me sad, but I get over it so quickly it's like nothing ever happened.
I have a friend, she's anxious too, and we've bonded over mutual TV obsessions and a love of Harry Potter. We understand that sometimes doing things is too much, and speaking all the time is too much. And it works. We understand what it feels like to be too down to shower, too anxious to go out of the house or to be worried out dying from a cold. It's a friendship without the weight of expectation hanging over it, and it works so much better.
I'm sorry if I haven't been a good friend to you, I'm genuinely sorry if you feel like we've drifted apart but if you get me on a good day I could talk to you like no time at all had passed.
So...it's not that I don't want to be your friend, sometimes I just don't want to talk to you.
Elizabeth x
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