Friendships are really hard for me, but because they don't take over my thoughts, I'm sorry, but I barely think of you. That sounds harsh but it's true. Other people rarely enter my thoughts unless they are smack bang in front of me all of the time. I know it probably sounds really selfish, and maybe it is, but I really struggle with keeping in touch with people.
Facebook and other social media sites seem to make this harder for me, I should be able to keep in touch with you right? I'm on the computer all of the time, why can't I just send you a message? Why can't I just reply to your lovely chatty message? Because what if I say the wrong thing? What if I say something that makes you hate me? I have no idea how you are reacting to what I'm saying because you can type anything in response. I have a hard enough time gauging people's emotions when they are stood in front of me, without having to try and guess over a screen.
Oh, I really like emojis, they have made online and text conversations much easier for me. I can show you what my face is doing! Please show me what your face is doing?
Sometimes, I just don't want to reply to you, I just don't want to talk to you. Some days I don't want to talk to anybody at all. I know that's hard to understand for a lot of people, but I really would love to be your friend, but I can't be your friend 100% of the time. I'm going to cancel plans at the last minute, I hate doing it, but sometimes it's too much. I can't do things spontaneously, but I really like being asked. My constant stream of no's and 'I can't' are too much for most people and my friendships fade out after a while. This does make me sad, but I get over it so quickly it's like nothing ever happened.
I have a friend, she's anxious too, and we've bonded over mutual TV obsessions and a love of Harry Potter. We understand that sometimes doing things is too much, and speaking all the time is too much. And it works. We understand what it feels like to be too down to shower, too anxious to go out of the house or to be worried out dying from a cold. It's a friendship without the weight of expectation hanging over it, and it works so much better.
I'm sorry if I haven't been a good friend to you, I'm genuinely sorry if you feel like we've drifted apart but if you get me on a good day I could talk to you like no time at all had passed.
So...it's not that I don't want to be your friend, sometimes I just don't want to talk to you.
Elizabeth x
Monday 18 January 2016
Tuesday 12 January 2016
Anxiety Update
I realise it has been 2 and a bit years since my last post, but I want to try writing again, and NaNoWriMo was a bust. So maybe blogging is my medium? I hope so! I know nobody will be reading this, probably, but never mind, I'm going to write anyway.
A long time ago I wrote about my anxiety and depression and I even said I thought I was recovering. Looking back at that post now I see just how much things have changed. My recovery was definitely stunted, by a bad break up and a loss of jobs and a variety of other reasons that aren't important. So my condition is very different now, probably a lot worse and definitely harder to deal with. It turns out it's more than anxiety and depression, I'm looking at an Autism Spectrum Disorder diagnosis.
My whole world has been turned upside down, and I'm having to find new ways to cope, and I am doing. I have had to try and find who I am again, but I am trying to embrace the me I used to like and trying to ditch the parts of me I hated. So, I have gotten 11 tattoos and 8 piercings and that is really helping. Now, when I think people are talking about me, I know it's because of my modifications and not because I've left my fly open or something equally as accidentally embarrassing.
I'm looking at other ways of coping, I'm currently looking at a 6 week Buddhist course, I think something spiritual to help me cope might be the answer for me. Exercise just isn't my jam, I know that's the answer for a lot of people and the immediate response for most support networks, but it's really not for me. Mainly because I've always been lazy - nothing to do with my condition.
This post doesn't really have a point, it's just for me to dip my toe into the water of blogging again.
Elizabeth x
A long time ago I wrote about my anxiety and depression and I even said I thought I was recovering. Looking back at that post now I see just how much things have changed. My recovery was definitely stunted, by a bad break up and a loss of jobs and a variety of other reasons that aren't important. So my condition is very different now, probably a lot worse and definitely harder to deal with. It turns out it's more than anxiety and depression, I'm looking at an Autism Spectrum Disorder diagnosis.
My whole world has been turned upside down, and I'm having to find new ways to cope, and I am doing. I have had to try and find who I am again, but I am trying to embrace the me I used to like and trying to ditch the parts of me I hated. So, I have gotten 11 tattoos and 8 piercings and that is really helping. Now, when I think people are talking about me, I know it's because of my modifications and not because I've left my fly open or something equally as accidentally embarrassing.
I'm looking at other ways of coping, I'm currently looking at a 6 week Buddhist course, I think something spiritual to help me cope might be the answer for me. Exercise just isn't my jam, I know that's the answer for a lot of people and the immediate response for most support networks, but it's really not for me. Mainly because I've always been lazy - nothing to do with my condition.
This post doesn't really have a point, it's just for me to dip my toe into the water of blogging again.
Elizabeth x
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