Monday 18 January 2016

Why I'm Not Answering Your Messages

Friendships are really hard for me, but because they don't take over my thoughts, I'm sorry, but I barely think of you. That sounds harsh but it's true. Other people rarely enter my thoughts unless they are smack bang in front of me all of the time. I know it probably sounds really selfish, and maybe it is, but I really struggle with keeping in touch with people.

Facebook and other social media sites seem to make this harder for me, I should be able to keep in touch with you right? I'm on the computer all of the time, why can't I just send you a message? Why can't I just reply to your lovely chatty message? Because what if I say the wrong thing? What if I say something that makes you hate me? I have no idea how you are reacting to what I'm saying because you can type anything in response. I have a hard enough time gauging people's emotions when they are stood in front of me, without having to try and guess over a screen.

Oh, I really like emojis, they have made online and text conversations much easier for me. I can show you what my face is doing! Please show me what your face is doing?

Sometimes, I just don't want to reply to you, I just don't want to talk to you. Some days I don't want to talk to anybody at all. I know that's hard to understand for a lot of people, but I really would love to be your friend, but I can't be your friend 100% of the time. I'm going to cancel plans at the last minute, I hate doing it, but sometimes it's too much. I can't do things spontaneously, but I really like being asked. My constant stream of no's and 'I can't' are too much for most people and my friendships fade out after a while. This does make me sad, but I get over it so quickly it's like nothing ever happened.

I have a friend, she's anxious too, and we've bonded over mutual TV obsessions and a love of Harry Potter. We understand that sometimes doing things is too much, and speaking all the time is too much. And it works. We understand what it feels like to be too down to shower, too anxious to go out of the house or to be worried out dying from a cold. It's a friendship without the weight of expectation hanging over it, and it works so much better.

I'm sorry if I haven't been a good friend to you, I'm genuinely sorry if you feel like we've drifted apart but if you get me on a good day I could talk to you like no time at all had passed.

So...it's not that I don't want to be your friend, sometimes I just don't want to talk to you.

Elizabeth x

Tuesday 12 January 2016

Anxiety Update

I realise it has been 2 and a bit years since my last post, but I want to try writing again, and NaNoWriMo was a bust. So maybe blogging is my medium? I hope so! I know nobody will be reading this, probably, but never mind, I'm going to write anyway.

A long time ago I wrote about my anxiety and depression and I even said I thought I was recovering. Looking back at that post now I see just how much things have changed. My recovery was definitely stunted, by a bad break up and a loss of jobs and a variety of other reasons that aren't important. So my condition is very different now, probably a lot worse and definitely harder to deal with. It turns out it's more than anxiety and depression, I'm looking at an Autism Spectrum Disorder diagnosis.

My whole world has been turned upside down, and I'm having to find new ways to cope, and I am doing. I have had to try and find who I am again, but I am trying to embrace the me I used to like and trying to ditch the parts of me I hated. So, I have gotten 11 tattoos and 8 piercings and that is really helping. Now, when I think people are talking about me, I know it's because of my modifications and not because I've left my fly open or something equally as accidentally embarrassing.

I'm looking at other ways of coping, I'm currently looking at a 6 week Buddhist course, I think something spiritual to help me cope might be the answer for me. Exercise just isn't my jam, I know that's the answer for a lot of people and the immediate response for most support networks,  but it's really not for me. Mainly because I've always been lazy - nothing to do with my condition.

This post doesn't really have a point, it's just for me to dip my toe into the water of blogging again.

Elizabeth x

Thursday 12 September 2013

Writers Block & Life Updates

Oh my lord I haven't written in such a long time. I have no idea what to write about, I wanted to write about Miley Cyrus, but that seems trivial, and I don't know what to say. I wanted to write about other things too, but I'm having the worst writers block of all time. I want to keep working on my novel, but again, I don't know what to write. However, I figure the only way to get over it is by writing, and the easiest thing for me to write is a blog post, right? Right. I think.

Has anyone got any tips on overcoming writers block?

Anyway, the reason I've been away from the blog for so long is due to a pretty huge change in personal circumstances. Myself and Ian broke up, and I'm living with my mum again. I'm suffering pretty heavily with my anxiety and depression again, also.

It's odd, I haven't taken the break-up as hard as I feel maybe I should have, I'm moving on from that and healing quite quickly. It's given me a chance to review my life and my situation and look at how I want to move forward with my life, which is nice. I really do want this blog to be successful, so I do solemnly swear that posts will be at least weekly from now on. There, I wrote it down, I have to stick to it now.

I'm not going to slam Ian on here or anything like that, we're both grown ups and the reason for the split is personal, but I had to get it out on here, I don't really know why. But there shall be no further mentions of it, unless of course, it helps with a post.

But, it's business as usual from here on out. I'm feeling more positive and ready to make some changes and some progress. Just need to think of some damn post ideas.

Sunday 16 June 2013

Feminism ≠ Man hating.

Arrrgh feminists, I hear you cry. Man hating militant lesbians, the lot of them. It's disgusting, really. I mean, they can drive, they can vote, what more do they want?

UGH. Stop that. Feminism is not man hating, feminism is about women being equal to men, and frankly we're not. It's easy to think that women and men are equal, I mean, we can vote and we can work, we can do all the things men can. But, that's half the battle. There is still a wage gap between men and women, and women's careers often get derailed because they want to start a family. Most women have to choose between kids and a career. Women can't walk alone at night without fear of being attacked by a man, and I for one am sick of walking home with keys between my fingers, just in case.

That being said, I don't hate men. Far from it. Men are great, I love my boyfriend and I have tonnes of friends who are men. And my dad is the greatest person in the world. But society and I hate to say it...men, have created this divide between men and women. Women can be just as strong, as smart and as successful as men. But somehow being feminine is an insult, I remember calling my male cousins 'girls' as insults. Like somehow being a woman is insulting, no one ever insults anyone and says "god, you're such a man". Being a man is something we should strive for, women should be more like men, and men should be men. Listen to yourselves.

"Man up", "grow some balls", ah yes, because those things make you a better person. To quote Betty White "Why do people say 'Grow some balls?' Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding."

Being female is not a weakness, and being feminine is not anti-feminist.

Now, for the boys, we know this isn't your fault, you've grown up with no need to fight to get what you want, you're a boy - you can do whatever you want. You'll never have to worry about your future simply because of what's between your legs. You'll never have to fight for any of your rights. You can be strong, powerful and manly, and if you're not...you're a woman.

But, all this being said, I don't hate men, I think that's an absurd idea, I dislike people who belittle the feminist movement, who think that women are being unreasonable, who put obstacles in place for women. I hate society, feminism is not something that should even exist. We are all human, we should all be equal.


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Tuesday 23 April 2013

Girls Rule, Boys Drool.

So this is something that's been bothering me for almost 2 weeks now. So now seems like as good a time as any to write about it. And I'm listening to the Les Mis soundtrack as I write so I'm feeling roused and passionate.

This post feels like an extension of my 'stop slut shaming' post, and I feel like I touch on the subject a lot, but it's something I'm really passionate about and something that I'm really determined to help in the fight against. Disclaimer; the title is not supposed to in any way reflect how I really feel about girls and boys. Some boys kick ass, some girls suck, and vice-versa. It just seemed like a fitting title for a blog. And I'm not sure why I'm justifying how I title my blogs, but I know how you internet people can be.

About a week and a half ago, Ian and I were on the train from Sheffield to Leeds, sat on a table across from 4 football fans, who are likely to name themselves 'lads'. Hearing their conversations made me so upset and angry. The way they spoke about women with no respect at all, the way they dubbed all women as idiots. They were discussing how they were having sex with girls over than their girlfriends and how their girlfriends were too stupid to notice.

They went on to discuss how all 'lads' are exactly like this and that's the reason girls don't trust boys. Wrong. I trust Ian completely, and I know of loads of people in trusting, committed, faithful relationships. So, if those gentlemen on the train think they are a voice of a generation, they are sorely mistaken.

Speaking of voices of a generation, I fear that my previous statement announcing that they aren't may be totally wrong. The voice of my generation seems to be that of girls are 'sluts' and stupid and deserve everything they get. Wrong. We live in an age where we think men and women are equal, but it's just not the case. Women are taught how to avoid being raped, to stay in groups at night, to carry rape alarms, to fear men. It's terrifying to walk alone at night as a woman, and it's just as terrifying to see a man on his own. A man on his own, or men in groups to a woman on her own are instantly a rape threat. Girls, imagine how that feels as a man, to be doing something perfectly innocent and to be thought of as a rapist through no fault of his own, but through the way that women are taught. Boys, did you ever get lectures on how having sex with someone when they don't want to isn't okay? About how not to become a rapist? Probably not, no.

There are some really interesting adverts on the TV (here in the UK, at least) about abuse, and if you could see it would you stop it? Would you stop it? This goes out to everyone, would you be able to stand up to someone, who may be a friend or a family member and say stop that, that's abuse? I don't think a lot of people would, through fear or through sheer lack of education. What is abuse, anyway? She normally wants to have sex, she's just playing hard to get. No means no.

I fear this has become a rape based post, which was not it's initial intentions, but I suppose it's not a bad thing to be raising awareness of. But what I'm trying to say is, if a woman dresses up and puts make up on, boys, that's probably not for you actually. Women have a huge variety of reasons for wearing make up and dressing up. Personally, make up is something I enjoy putting on and experimenting with, it's also a self esteem thing for me. But I know some women who do it so other women don't judge them!

So then, boys on the train, girls are not stupid, and it is not okay to play with someone's feelings by cheating in a relationship. I really hope you're reading this, and I really hope you change your ways, soon.


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Friday 22 March 2013

Let's Talk: Body Modifications

Hurrah for serious blog posts! I've decided I'm going to do a (hopefully) monthly feature, where I talk about something, and don't always share my opinion, but share opposing sides. So I'm going to kick it off with something dear to my heart...body modifications.

For those of you who don't know, Wikipedia defines body modification as:

Body modification (or body alteration) is the deliberate altering of the human anatomy or phenotype. It is often done for aesthetics, sexual enhancement, rites of passage, religious beliefs, to display group membership or affiliation, to create body art, for shock value, and as self-expression, among others reasons. In its most broad definition it includes plastic surgery, socially acceptable decoration (e.g., common ear piercing in many societies), and religious rites of passage (e.g., circumcision in a number of cultures), as well as the modern primitive movement.

You can see the full article here

Body mods are something that are becoming more and more common and you see more and more people in the street with tattoos and piercings in places other than their ears. But speaking to modified people, you see more and more cases of people being refused jobs and being treated differently in public due to body mods. So is it right to discriminate against modified people? Is it even discrimination? I spoke to a mother and daughter who share very different views on body modifications.

Rachel: I think tattoos are awesome. They become a part of the person who gets it, they are personal to the person and have a meaning to them, they may mark an occasion or a period of life. They are a way of self expression, and maybe to remember something special and could be like a scrapbook on the skin I have three tattoos (even though Mum thinks I have more -_-), all which are special to me and I love showing them off! I don't have any piercings any more other than my ears, but have had my lip and nose done in the past. I am supportive over friends getting tattoos and piercings and stuff, I've even told my Mum that getting a tattoo should definitely be on her bucket list.

Jo: My views may appear a little old fashioned to you, but Rachel will confirm, I am quite open minded, and prefer to discuss rather than dictate. However, on this matter, I have very strong views. Piercings, yes, I have my ears and my naval pierced (my mid life crisis along with a sports car) but both, I can cover up or remove if and when necessary without too many problems. I do not have any tattoos. I think that it is ok for any individual to modify their body in whichever way they choose, I am not so narrow minded that I would form an opinion on a person because of their tattoos or piercings. However, I am fully aware of how many of the general public feel about them, and also how employers judge (sometimes unfairly) and it could effect an individuals future career etc. (hence my reasons for Rachel not doing it) Some people, especially the elderly, are afraid of people with body modifications or tattoos. Back in the dark ages, many people who had tattoos were seen as trouble makers. Working in the prison service for many years, I saw men with unsightly prison tattoos, these were horrible and were often carried out to wear the 'badge of being in prison' with pride. I can spot a prison tattoo in a single glimpse.
I would love a family member regardless of piercings, tattoos or modifications to their body, but would not necessarily agree with them doing it. I would feel rather sad if either of my children had ear stretching and can honestly say I am not happy with Rachels tattoos, and she knows that. I guess I feel ear piercing is more acceptable but to be honest, I don't know why...am I a hypocrite? Perhaps. Or perhaps it is my old fashioned, narrow minded views that are hypocritical. I would welcome challenge to my views, and enjoy healthy dialogue about it, but my mind will not be changed. I guess, as a health professional, I also worry about the negative aspects of body modification and tattooing. I have nursed many young people with horrifying disfigurement injuries or resistant infection following both modifications and tattoos. I have held the hand of a teenager who had to endure the removal of necrosed skin following infection after a failed lip piercing. She is now scarred for life. On the flip side, tattoo art can be absolutely beautiful, and I am not so very narrow minded that I cannot admire a work of art carried out by very gifted and talented individuals. I just would not choose to have one myself and I would be happier if my children chose not to have them too.
As for having one, as part of my bucket list. I politely decline, choosing instead to use my bucket list for traveling to India, Vietnam and Cambodia and seeing my lovely girls be successful.

So what do the heavily modified people think? See below a video from the lovely Morgan, you can see and subscribe to her youtube channel here.



In her mind, body modification discrimination is a very real issue.
Morgan: I view body modification discrimination, in the same way as any other kind of discrimination. It's judging a group of people, and treating them differently for whatever reason. In this case, because of how we look, and how we choose to decorate our body. In my opinion, it should be illegal to deny someone employment due to tattoos or piercings. To me it's no different then not employing someone because they are of a different race, religion, etc. It's wrong and it needs to end.

So where do we draw the line? And why have we drawn the line where it is? Cutting and colouring hair and piercing ears is fine in the eyes of most people. What makes other piercings and tattoo's so different? I worked for a company where in the dress code it was fine to have one nose piercing - I'm not sure how they can decide that one kind of modification is more acceptable than another.

I wouldn't consider myself heavily modified, but I have been refused a job on the grounds I had my ear stretched and my top lip pierced, despite stating in the interview that they could be removed. But I was given a job in a well known fast food restaurant with the same mods. I believe body modification discrimination to be a very real thing, but is it a discrimination we just have to accept?

Elizabeth x


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Thursday 7 March 2013

Confessions of a Blogger

As I'm still pretty new to this, I thought this would be a fun post. I have some back on form posts planned that I'm currently doing some research for. Hopefully they'll be up soon!

1. When did you start your blog?
I've had this blog a while, but I've only just started posting properly.

2. Have you had any past online presence before? (YouTube, Blog)
I have tumblr, but I'm sure that doesn't count. I used to be pretty popular on MySpace..ha!

3. Why did you start your blog?
I needed somewhere to vent my frustrations at the world!

4. When did you become serious about your blog?
Very recently.

5. What was your first post?
A discussion about the show 'Make Bradford British'

6.What has been your biggest challenge about blogging?
Keeping up to it, and keeping my motivation! And finding ideas to write about!

7.Where do you see your blog in 1 year time?
Hopefully still active! With more views and comments :)

8. What is the most rewarding this about blogging?
Getting record views on posts I love, and hearing people's opinions.

9. What is the discouraging thing that happens to you?
When nobody views a post I love :(

10. What's your lasting inspiration or motivation?
In life...my mum! In blogging, my friend Rebecca who has an amazing up and coming beauty blog http://autumnleaves-x.blogspot.co.uk/

Elizabeth x




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